“What do you suppose we should do?” she asked the question out of nowhere, eyes looking for answers at the slightly fire-tinted sea. The sun is not in sight, not the same view you usually see on Instagram posts showing sunsets at the beach. Nevertheless, it’s beautiful. The sun is definitely somewhere near, as the orange hue is visibly scattered on the horizon.
“What do you mean?” her boyfriend answered, adjusting the way he sat so that he can see her face clearly.
“You said your ideal life is to live in a rented house, a job, in the city you love the most, miles away from here. Alone.”
“Ahh, that,” he turned his gaze to the sea.
She rarely sees him take a look, really look at her for long. She doesn’t understand this, perhaps because she’s ugly as other people have said. But she knows he loves her. He just doesn’t stare at her. That along with the criticism she got doesn’t bother her that much though, as there are actually times when she looks in the mirror and thinks she’s pretty. “Fuck them,” she says every time the thought crosses her mind.
“Yeah. Sometimes, I catch you staring at the window blankly. I’m guessing you’re thinking of the life you’ve always wanted – to be alone. As if I wasn’t in the room. As if I am not part of the future,” she opened up.
“I honestly think about that, more times than I’m willing to admit.”
“I knew it!” she exclaimed.
“Was I that easy to read?” he asked curiously.
“I am the eye in the sky looking at you, I can read your mind,” she replied with some giggles escaping her mouth as if what they were talking about wasn’t serious enough.
He recognized the lines from the song he introduced to her early in their relationship. They’ve been together for a few years now and they still listen to the same songs, still enjoy their old hobbies. They also explored some new stuff, and so far, they really get along well.
“I’m sorry, I’m really happy with you but I long for solitude,” he confessed.
“Hmm, let’s do that then.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can always go home if you want to be alone.”
She can hear the beating of her heart getting louder as minutes passed by. He still hasn’t uttered any word.
She broke the silence eventually, “You know, if you think I’m going to let you live alone, think again. I won’t let you do that to yourself.”
“Really? Why?”
“Solitude isn’t a good place to dwell in forever. You can visit it once, or a couple of times a year if you want. But it’s not a good place to stay in and die when you have the option to live on the other side.”
“What do you really want to hear, Sasha, tell me.”
Instead of answering, she rebutted, “Will you truly be happy?”
Once more, the air between them was filled with silence. A flock of birds can be seen flying above the untroubled body of water, a group of students can be heard mastering a chant on the far side corner, and a number of people roamed around enjoying the view the coastal road offers.
“Someone who knows what he wants should be able to answer right away.”
“I want to keep you though,” he spoke as soon as the words left her mouth.
“Then let’s stick together… eat together… read together… sleep together,” she said pausing after every other word.
“Just like that? Why can you easily say that?” he asked.
“Cause you’re everything to me, Jude. Everything between us matters to me.”
“And I don’t want you to be alone anymore,” she added while looking into his eyes.
It was the first time he held her gaze for a long time that she felt her heart literally jump. She did not blink and at some point, she thought they were in some kind of drama scene where everyone but them would freeze or become a blur on the screen. Words were not said yet but she can feel a change happening from the way he looked at her at that moment.
They walked home, sweaty hands intertwined, and felt every tension and summer heat from their body dissipate with the cold air the early evening has brought.
Once they reached a light pole, he leaned into her ear and said, “I want to be alone. With you. Forever. Thanks for not giving up on me.” Then he pressed his lips on her forehead.
Saturday Journals 